Returning to Maggie
by Silly
Summary: AU/Futurefic -- Faced with another tragedy, Sydney finds the strength to keep living in a new pair of green eyes.


Ship: S/V Angsty-angst AU/Futurefic  
  
Rating: PG, 'cause some folks find 'damn' to be a bad word  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing, but if Michael Vaughn were mine I'd be an oh-so- happy girl :) Instead, the characters all belong to JJ and the other Alias folks over at ABC.  
  
AN: Sorry about the previous formatting problems.I'm still figuring this all out. After lurking for ages and reading a lot of amazing fic, I decided to finally try my own hand at this. I would love any and all feed back as this is my first fic. Thanks! -Silly  
**********************  
  
Just another minute. Sydney allowed herself these moments so rarely now, moments to revel indulgently in the memories. In these moments, the loss still surprised, still stung. There were moments, a full two years later, when grief would threaten to smother her; to overcome her.  
  
Looking at Maggie coloring across the table, Sydney smiled as she inhaled the steam of her latte. "What are you making sweetheart?"  
  
"You can see it when it's done mama."  
  
Her daughter's light brown hair curled around her rosy cheeks as she poured every ounce of concentration into the crayons and paper in front of her. Sydney smiled at the image Maggie made there, surrounded by Crayolas and sighed, relieved again that the innocent smiles of her daughter kept the memories and grief from being inescapable, a flood that came with every breath and every tear.  
  
Somehow Sydney had survived. Often, the heartache felt ironically soothing, lessening the pain just a little. But Sydney was alive, and she could not live in that darkness of grief. If she had been alone, she may not have cared to try and move past the grief. But giving up had never been an option, no matter how simple and appealing it sounded. Sydney had the support and help of her father, her friends. And they had expected Sydney to move on. Not just for her. Not even for Michael. For Maggie. She had to, if for no other reason than because that confused and frightened two-year- old deserved a mother who was sane.  
  
Sipping from her cup, Sydney gazed at her daughter's curly pigtails and thought about that first week. Two years later and the haze of anguish and disbelief were still real to her, an eternal part of Sydney.  
  
*************  
  
Jack had stayed that week, keeping Maggie fed, bathed and played with, trying to soothe and reassure his granddaughter when the little girl cried for her daddy or was confused at why "Mama only sleep". Jack had finally confronted Sydney after Maggie had had another fit of frightened, heart- rending tears. Maggie was down for her nap, and Jack had come into Sydney and Michael's room, pulling the curtains up and shoving open the sliding door that led to the deck. Fear, exasperation and love all flashed on Jack's face as he sat on the edge of the bed, examining Sydney's face as she squinted in the June sunlight.  
  
"You cannot do this Sydney. It is one thing to grieve. It is another thing to give up."  
  
Sydney wanted to respond by pulling the comforter over her head and disappearing into the dark solace of sleep. But that wasn't an option with Jack sitting there. Not meeting her father's eyes, Sydney instead fixed her eyes on the sparkling diamond of her wedding ring. Following Sydney's gaze, Jack spoke.  
  
"It isn't fair, Sydney. God, honey, I know that. You only had Vaughn for five years. But Sydney, think of all you had in those years. Think of all you still have. And for god's sake, you have to think of Maggie. This isn't fair for you, and it really isn't fair for her. As long as you shut yourself up, you ignore her. And you know better than anyone what it feels like to be a little girl with one parent dead and the other one as good as gone."  
  
Sydney finally spoke "We've made our peace with our past Daddy, but this hurts so much."  
  
"I know it hurts, but don't you hear Maggie crying for him too? She's two Sydney, and she can't understand death. She can't understand why her daddy is never coming home."  
  
Tears rolled down Sydney's cheeks as she heard her father. She knew. Sydney understood it all before Jack had said a word. But it was so damn hard. Sensing her thoughts, Jack continued.  
  
"No one expects this to be easy. There is no clear way to deal with all you are feeling. But it is not insurmountable. Sydney, you were my greatest comfort when your mother died. You carried so much of her life, her spirit with you. Look at Maggie, honey. See the love and beauty of you life with Vaughn in her. See her, Sydney, and embrace that precious gift. Embrace what she represents from your past and for her own potential. Don't shut yourself away. It isn't Maggie's fault any more than it's yours."  
  
With a sob, Sydney spoke again. "But that's just it dad. It is my fault. Do you know what Michael was doing when he died? He was talking to me on that damn cell phone. I called him as he was driving home from work, telling him to hurry because I had good news. He was talking to me; he was hurrying because I asked him to. I can't .I know.It is my fault."  
  
Dissolving in sobs, Sydney's let her head fall against the pillows. She clung to the tissue that was doing little to stop her flow of tears. She found her voice again slowly, painfully "After all we went through in our years together. Missions and the CIA and the Alliance and SD-6 and it was a damn car accident." The irony of losing so easily the life they had fought so hard to have was painfully clear. Another damn car accident had thrown a sharp and agonizing turn in the path of Sydney's life.  
  
Jack carefully smoothed his daughter's hair, his cool hand soothing as it brushed Sydney's tear-stained cheek. Sydney closed her eyes and tried to will the shuddering sobs to cease. She concentrated on her breathing and allowed herself to be comforted, just a bit, by her father's touch.  
  
Feeling the shift in the mattress when Jack stood, Sydney glanced up.  
  
"Sydney, I know that's how you understand what happened. But sweetheart, it was hit and run. Vaughn wasn't hurrying. The witness saw the other car run the red light. Vaughn was driving safely. You didn't cause this." Sydney heard Jack leave the room. She heard the words, replaying in her mind with the in and out of each breath. Life. Now more than ever, Sydney was aware of how precious and fragile that was. Lying in this bed, she was giving up on life. ".You didn't cause this."  
  
With all the will and strength she had, Sydney pushed away the covers and swung her legs to the floor. She had to pause and steady herself. With a deep breath, she walked across to the bathroom, feeling the fresh air from the open door on her bare feet and arms.  
  
Sydney started the shower, water spraying hot and strong as she peeled off her nightgown. Stepping into the steam with a sigh, Sydney let the heat pound her skin, course down her limbs and remind her with each drop that she was alive.  
  
Michael's shampoo was there, standing next to her salon brand. She opened the cap and inhaled the scent, but set the bottle back. She felt a little desperate letting go, giving up what she would never have again. Each step onward was a step away from her life with Michael, a tearing in her heart. But Sydney was still here, rooted in life and she could never reach far enough to pull Michael back.  
  
Emerging from the shower, Sydney toweled off and pulled on her robe. Finally stepping out of the bedroom, she could hear Jack in the kitchen. Sydney crossed the hall to the door covered in crayon drawings. Pushing it open, she went in and sat beside her daughter, an echo of the scene she and Jack had just shared. Water dripped from Sydney's hair and fell on Maggie's hand. The little girl's eyes flickered open and sharpened as she recognized who was with her.  
  
"Mama"  
  
"Hi Sweetie"  
  
"Mama wake up?"  
  
"Yes Maggie, mama woke up." Opening her arms, Sydney's daughter seized the hug, and her response came from under her mother's arm.  
  
"Good."  
  
Sydney pulled Maggie onto her lap. She looked into the bright green of her daughter's eyes and found the strength she needed.  
  
"Sweetie, there is someone I want you to meet." Maggie looked slightly confused as she tried to see behind her mother.  
  
"Here?"  
  
"Yup, right here" Sydney took Maggie's little hand and placed it under her own on her slightly swollen abdomen. "This is where our new baby is."  
  
"Baby come?"  
  
"Next year. In November, near Daddy's birthday."  
  
"Daddy come?"  
  
"No sweetie. Daddy won't come. He can't come back, as much as I want him to, and you want him to. He's gone."  
  
Tears began again for both of them as Sydney held that which was most precious to her. Maggie seemed to understand and didn't squirm, sitting small and warm on her mother's lap. Jack found them like that minutes later when he came to the door.  
  
"I thought someone had gotten out of bed."  
  
"Mama wake up!'  
  
"Yes, Maggie, I can see that Mama woke up."  
  
"Baby wake up too." Maggie added, patting Sydney's stomach.  
  
Jack met Sydney's eyes with surprise.  
  
"Due in November, dad. That was my surprise for Michael the day he.."  
  
"Oh Sydney!" Jack joined them on the bed, his arms surrounding them both.  
  
"It's going to be okay. It won't be easy, but it will be okay" Sydney wasn't sure if his words were intended to reassure her father or herself, but for the first time since Michael's death, she began to believe it.  
  
******************  
  
Sydney looked into her cup, the latte gone. "Do you want more juice, Mikey?"  
  
The one-and a half-year-old looked up from his oversized Legos and smiled.  
  
"Look Mama!" Maggie finished her picture. "I made our family. See? There is you, and Mikey, and me and Daddy."  
  
The crayon portrait was perfect. Mama was holding the hands of a small girl wearing what looked like a ballet tutu and a smaller boy drawn all in blue. The scribbled green grass had purple flowers, and in the squiggle clouds over the Mama's head was a smiling man with a shiny gold halo and big, spread wings. 


End file.
